Monday, February 23, 2015

The Truth About Chickens

    Everyone knows that every farm can't be a farm until it has chickens. They are a vital part of 'Old McDonald' and the sight of them leisurely pecking around in the barnyard compliments any dusty ranch painting. So, of course, we have chickens and, of course, they are a favorite among people who visit us.
        "Oh my goodness, you have chickens?! Can I pet them?"
        "Can I catch one?"
        "Can I feed them?"
        "Can I collect their eggs?"
        "Can I just sit here and stare at them?"

         But wanna know a secret?

                    I hate chickens.


         Okay, so they're cool and the chicks are cute and they produce great eggs. But they are psychotic and stinky and have mites and also don't produce eggs. 
          Yes, here's a bigger secret: our chickens never produce eggs.
           What kind of farmers are we? What do I mean, our chickens don't lay eggs? Why do we have chickens if they don't even lay eggs?!?

                                I have no idea.

         Here's how the chicken cycle happens at our house:
                                   1) We buy chicks. They're supposed to be all girls.
                                   2) They're not.
                                   3) Some mysteriously disappear.
                                   4) They go through a horrible preteen ugly phase and behave badly
                                   5) They reach adulthood
                                   6) We wait for eggs
                                   7) No eggs come
                                   8) My mom hopes some 'free range grazing' will help them lay eggs and lets                                              them out into the yard.
                                   9)Our blue heeler eats some, and others run away
                                   10) They obviously do not feel any less tense.
                                   11) They die of old age and the last one is carried off by a bald eagle--almost                                               always.
                                   12) Store-bought egg prices increase, my mom is outraged!
                                   13) Rinse and repeat.

You know how they say that no good deed goes unpunished? Well not good deeds do go unpunished; like my procrastination problem (it's very bad and I have a 4.0, knock on wood). It's like just before you should learn the hard way and change your bad habits, you're rewarded. Me with an A+ that I don't deserve, bad professors with tenure, and my mother with...

                                                                    You guessed it.


    We got eggs! We are actually farmers who eat farm-fresh eggs! Mind you, it was only two on the first day and we have whittled our flock (herd? gaggle? pride?) of chickens down to five, but we have EGGS!
                   Over the past few weeks we have managed to coax at least a dozen eggs from our chickens and for breakfast we have been eating a product from our own chickens. Are we proud farmers? Yes. Are those some very lucky chickens? Yes.

...So my mom is looking at getting new chicks.